Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…