One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what