Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
#JohnTravolta
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.