If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Have a lovely day 😊
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.