A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?