I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too