age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.