I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.