I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals