date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You Might Also Like
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…