We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“We will wed,” I threatened
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.