[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.