Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Monica just destroyed the internet
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please