Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
You Might Also Like
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
i meant to share this earlier
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I am yelling
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else