If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler