Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?