got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
What’s so funny?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots