So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Goodnight 🐶
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
guys I’m going home
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.