If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I think we should hear other voices.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.