I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
is this meant to deter me
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes