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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”