*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me checking my bank balance online.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”