I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
finally found a reasonable question