Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory