glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
this is the greatest thing ever
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.