Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.