Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Doctors texting each other.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.