They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes