[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
me working on my assignments ^-^
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”