Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
This kid will have a bright future.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.