What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
this could fix me
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels