A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
You Might Also Like
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep