That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
kitchen magnet
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
titanic
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.