Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???