[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Mummies are just super modest zombies
How to find Kentucky on a map
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
every college guy’s fridge
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.