the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.