My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
My dad.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?