Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Hell yeah 👍
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.