It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.