remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it