Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.