5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support