[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]