‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Best seat on the street 😍
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.