Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.