Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.