it’s finally my moment to shine
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!