Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb