I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.