Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it